It’s been sitting with me for weeks. When I finally brought it up to my therapist, she suggested I do what I always do—put it into words. Write it out. Try to trace the shape of it, try to understand why the act of asking feels impossible for me. And so here I am, sorting through the silence I’ve carried for so long.

I don’t ask—not because I don’t want, but because somewhere along the way, I stopped believing I had the right to.

Desire has never been the problem. There’s always a quiet current running through me, a pull toward connection, toward being seen, toward something more. But to ask is different. Asking feels like crossing a line. Asking means risking rejection, disappointment, or the possibility of being too much. Silence is safer. Silence is familiar.

Part of it is the lack of clarity I often feel in relationships. Without labels, without agreements, I tell myself it’s not my place to want. Even in spaces where care exists, I convince myself it’s temporary, interchangeable, fragile. If words are given, I remind myself they might not be unique. If gestures are made, I assume they’re fleeting. It’s a way of minimizing the risk, of not letting myself expect too much.

But there’s more to it than that. The truth is, I don’t know what asking even looks like. I was never told I could. Not by family, not by friends, not by lovers. No one ever said, “It’s okay to need. It’s okay to speak it out loud. It’s okay to take up space.” So silence didn’t just become a choice—it became my default, my only model of survival.

So I stay quiet.

What would asking even be? Time? Presence? Reassurance? Or something as simple as the right to hope? I can’t picture it clearly, because I’ve never been shown how. And maybe that’s the hardest part—not the silence itself, but the fact that silence is all I’ve ever known.

I never ask for anything. Not because I don’t need. Not because I don’t desire. But because no one ever taught me it was allowed.

Maybe one day, I’ll believe I can. Maybe one day, I’ll risk it.

But for now, I sit with the truth of it: I never ask for anything.

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