When Sleep Won’t Come

Sleep evades me.
I lie awake in this cold bed,
longing, wanting, worrying,
staring at a ceiling
that offers no answers.

I am afraid I’ve done something
I don’t know how to see,
something wrong without a shape,
something that makes me
easy to step away from.

My mind drifts where it shouldn’t.
I wonder if I am different
than all that came before,
or just the next mark,
another body counted quietly,
a placeholder until something better
arrives.

I hate the night.
It stretches time thin and merciless,
hands me every doubt I’ve ever had,
and asks me to hold them
until morning.

And in the dark,
with no one choosing me,
the truth settles in like a bruise:
I was never meant to be kept.

© Wynter Rayne 2026. All Rights Reserved.

The Night That Never Changes

I’ve always been alone on New Year’s Eve.

Not in the dramatic way people imagine. No fireworks fading behind me. No clock ticking loud in an empty house. Just a quiet kind of alone that feels practiced. Familiar. Learned early.

Even as a child, New Year’s meant being tucked away in my room. While the rest of the world counted down, I learned how to make myself small. How to pass the time without being noticed. How to sit with the sound of my own breathing and the low hum of a house settling into night.

There was something about that space. The door closed. The light low. The sense that the night would move forward whether I participated or not. I think that is where I learned that endings do not always come with witnesses. That beginnings do not always arrive with noise.

I watched years turn over from the inside. Through windows. Through books. Through the thin walls of my own thoughts. I learned how to be self contained long before I learned how to be held.

New Year’s Day was much the same. Quiet. Slow. The world starting fresh somewhere else. For me, it was just another morning of being awake in my own company, making peace with the fact that nothing had changed and everything had.

There is grief in that kind of pattern. A soft ache that shows up every December and asks if this year will be different. Sometimes I answer yes. Sometimes I answer honestly.

But there is also something steady about it. A knowing. This has always been my shape. I do not wait for rescue. I do not imagine a turn in the story where everything finally becomes soft and shared. There is no happily ever after waiting for me. Never has been. I do not pretend that there ever will be.

So tonight, I am alone.
Not wondering. Not hoping. Not waiting for it to be otherwise.
This is how the year turns for me.
Quiet. Unwitnessed.

© Wynter Rayne 2026. All Rights Reserved.

Realization

I mistook comfort for safety.
Silence for intention.
Attention for care.

I filled in the blanks
with hope
because hope is what I do
when I get tired of guarding myself.

They never lied.
That’s the part that hurts the most.
They never promised a future,
never asked me to stay,
never said I was chosen.

They just showed up
when it suited them.
And I was there.
Open.
Willing.
Soft in a way I should have known better than to be.

I let myself believe
that being wanted meant being valued.
That consistency meant investment.
That comfort meant closeness.

It didn’t.

I was something to reach for
when the moment called for it.
A place to land.
A distraction.
A warmth that asked for nothing
and therefore cost nothing.

The truth arrives quietly.
Not with anger.
Not with blame.
Just clarity.

They didn’t take anything from me.
I handed it over
when I lowered my guard
and let myself imagine more
than what was offered.

The realization isn’t that I was fooled.
It’s that I wanted to believe
so badly
that I made room for a story
that was never being written.

And now I sit with that knowing.
Not shattered.
Just awake.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.

Solitude

Solitude is not the absence of people.
It is the echo left behind after wanting.

She wakes in the dark
already knowing no one will reach for her,
not because she is unlovable,
but because love has never been there.

It settles in the hollow of her ribs,
heavy and quiet,
a truth she does not speak aloud
because she is tired of explaining
why independence still aches.

Solitude watches her learn how to carry herself.
How to be both the arms and the ache.
How to soothe the places that only soften
when another heartbeat is near.

It teaches her self-sufficiency, yes,
but it also teaches grief.
For tenderness with nowhere to land.
For warmth that stays imaginary.
For the version of her that would rest easier
if someone else shared the weight of the night.

She turns off the light anyway.
Listens to her own breathing.
Lets the quiet stay.

Because wanting to be held
does not make her weak.
It makes her human.

And solitude, no matter how familiar,
is still a room she does not want to live in forever.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.

I don’t Understand…

I don’t understand her.
But I understand him.

I see him in public,
vibrant, social, unmistakably alive,
the kind of handsome that feels earned,
the kind that comes from being good to others.

All I want
is closeness.
Not possession.
Not interruption.
Just the quiet instinct
to show him how wanted he is,
to love him in the small, invisible ways
that never ask for a name.

He is enigmatic.
Larger than life, and somehow gentle with it.
Humble in a way that makes you lean in.
A servant to others,
always giving, always steady,
as if he does not realize
how much of himself he offers away.

It is men like him
who are held by habit,
loved in routine ways,
counted on more than cherished.
People assume their presence
because it has never failed them.

To me, he gives the physical,
and I receive it honestly.
I do not confuse it with the rest of what I feel.
I do not ask him to carry my longing.
I keep that part to myself.

Because what I see in him
is not something I get to claim.
It lives in the way he listens when he makes time.
In how he shows up when he can.
In the weight of his kindness.

She may never know
how lucky she is.
But he will never know
how deeply he is cared for.

And that is the shape of it.
To care for someone fully
without ever touchinI don’t understand her.
But that isn’t the point.

I see him in public,
vibrant, social, unmistakably present,
the kind of man who belongs
wherever he stands.
There is an ease to him
that draws people in
before they realize they’ve leaned closer.

I notice what I keep to myself.
The way he listens with his whole body.
The steadiness in his touch.
How generosity shows up in him
without needing witness.

My thoughts never reach him.
They stay contained,
a quiet pull toward closeness
that knows better than to move.
I understand restraint.
I understand silence.

He is enigmatic.
Larger than life, yet careful with it.
Humble by choice.
A servant to others,
always giving, always present,
as if presence costs him nothing.

It is men like him
who are held by habit.
Secure enough to be overlooked.
Treated as certain simply because they endure.

To me, he gives the physical,
and I accept it without illusion.
I do not pretend it is anything else.
I do not ask it to become more.
I know what role I occupy.

Because I am not the one he carries.
I am not the one he considers.
I am the place he visits.
The moment he uses.
The quiet he leaves unchanged.

And I will never say
what is held here.
Because for him,
I am only something
he amuses himself with,
and that is all.


© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Author’s Note

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas was first introduced in 1944, during a time when the world was holding its breath. Written for the film Meet Me in St. Louis, the song was born in the middle of war, separation, and uncertainty. It was never meant to be loud or glittering. It was meant to be gentle. A reminder that sometimes the most radical thing you can offer is reassurance.

The original lyrics were even heavier than what we know today, softened only because Judy Garland understood that people did not need more sorrow. They needed something to carry them through it. Her voice held that balance in a way few ever have. Tender without being fragile. Hopeful without being dishonest.

Judy Garland has always been one of my favorites. There is something timeless about her, something that feels lived-in and true. I have always been drawn to old movies, old music, old stories. I suppose I have always had an old soul. There is comfort in art that has already survived history.

I could not think of a better way to close out my Christmas night than with this song and this story. A quiet ending. A hopeful one. The kind that lingers long after the radio goes silent.


The radio comes on by accident.

She does not remember turning the dial, only the way the sound finds her, low and familiar, as if the house itself has decided it is time. The room warms around it. The kettle hums. The small tree in the corner glows, steady and proud in its quiet way.

A calm voice announces the selection before fading back.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Then Judy Garland begins to sing, her voice careful and close, as if she understands exactly how much the world is carrying and has no intention of asking it to carry more.

She smiles as she stirs the bowl, careful with the sugar, careful with everything. She has learned how to make celebration out of intention. How to let small things feel deliberate instead of diminished.

The song drifts through the house and she hums along, surprised by the ease of it. Garland’s voice holds both ache and reassurance, the way a hand might rest at the small of your back without asking anything more.

Last Christmas comes back to her whole this time. His hands, warm despite the cold. The way he kissed her like he was unafraid to linger. The laughter they tried to keep quiet. The knowledge that even borrowed time could be generous.

Desire had lived easily then. Not frantic. Not desperate. Simply sure.

She moves to the sitting room, adjusting the ribbon on the tree, when she hears it.

A sound that does not belong to memory.

Footsteps on the walk. Slow. Deliberate. Real.

She stills. Listens. Her heart lifts before her mind can caution it.

There is a knock at the door.

Not urgent. Not uncertain. Familiar in its patience.

For a moment she does not move. She lets herself know it is happening. Lets the wanting turn into something braver.

When she opens the door, the cold rushes in, along with him.

He looks thinner. Tired. Smiling anyway. His coat dusted with snow. His eyes finding hers as if they never learned how not to.

“Merry Christmas,” he says, softly. Like a promise kept.

She laughs, the sound breaking free before she can stop it. Her hands find his coat, his arms, his face. He smells like winter and travel and home.

“I wasn’t sure,” she begins.

“I was,” he says, and kisses her before she can finish.

It is not hurried. It does not need to be. Desire has waited long enough. It recognizes its moment.

Behind them, Garland reaches the song’s hopeful turn, and this time it lands. Not as wishful thinking. As arrival.

They stand there, holding each other, the door still open, snow drifting in at their feet. The radio plays on, faithful and unobtrusive, as if it knows it has done its job.

Tomorrow can bring questions. Explanations. Plans.

Tonight, he is here.

Tonight, Christmas has kept its word.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.

Exposed

There is a particular kind of vulnerability that comes after creation.
Not the kind where you are seen.
The kind where you are left standing.

When you put something into the world that was built from marrow and memory, there is a moment where the noise falls away. No feedback yet. No echo. Just the quiet knowledge that what was once held close now belongs to anyone who finds it.

That space is unsettling.

It is not regret.
It is not doubt.
It is exposure.

The part of you that knew the words before they were shaped now has no control over how they are received. Or if they are received at all. You wait. Not for praise. Not for validation. But for some sign that the thing you released did not disappear the moment it left your hands.

This is the cost of honesty.
Not being misunderstood.
But being fully visible without guarantees.

And still, you stand there.
Open.
Unarmored.
Because retreat would mean pretending it never mattered.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.

Quiet, Unresolved

There are things I don’t write about
because I don’t know where they belong.
They exist, just not out loud and not definable.

I tell myself that not everything needs a name.
I try to believe that.

But once it lives in my head long enough,
my heart starts asking questions I didn’t invite.

Is it not worth naming? Or am I not worth naming?

Others are quick to notice what isn’t there.
To ask their questions.
To decide what the silence must mean.

I don’t know if leaving it unnamed
is restraint or erasure.

I just know it stays with me.
Quiet. Unresolved.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.

When I Question My Own Existence

I think about this more than I let on.

Not in a way that wants to be seen.
Not in a way that asks for reassurance.

Just in the quiet moments when I wonder whether I exist in anyone’s mind when I am not needed.

I wonder who thinks of me when a certain song comes on.
When they drive past a place where we once talked too long.
When something reminds them of a version of themselves that only existed with me.

I wonder how many stories I was part of that I will never hear about.
Moments where I mattered more than I realized.
Or if those moments ended the second my usefulness did.

Because there are people who remember me only when I am serving a purpose.

When I am listening.
When I am holding space.
When I am showing up strong, steady, and available.

And yes, sometimes that purpose is submission.

When I am giving myself over.
When I am kneeling, figuratively or otherwise.
When my body, attention, or surrender is what is wanted from me.

And when I am no longer offering something, when I am simply standing in myself, I fade from their awareness.

I don’t think this makes them unkind.
I think it reflects how often connection gets confused with consumption.

Still, it leaves a mark.

There is a particular loneliness in realizing you may live in someone’s life as a role rather than a whole person.
As someone who is useful, but not remembered.
Valued for access, not presence.

I wonder if I cross anyone’s mind when I am not giving.
Not fixing.
Not kneeling.
Not holding them up.

I wonder if I exist simply as myself.
Not as labor.
Not as care.
Not as desire.

This isn’t bitterness.
It’s honesty.

It’s the question that surfaces when you are someone who gives in many forms, across many parts of your life.

Do I exist in you when I am not offering something?
Or only when I am being used?

Some days, I accept that I may never know.
Other days, the wondering lingers.

And maybe the truth is this:
I may never know how often I pass through someone else’s thoughts.

© Wynter Rayne 2025. All Rights Reserved.